I don’t need any more appliances in my kitchen. Well, maybe that pineapple corer | instagram

Sometimes, in search of a better life, I turn to Instagram ads, because the world is always better there. It has the shine you get from a coffee table that has just been polished after spraying Mr Sheen. When you look at Instagram, you expect to see your own face reflected in you, only prettier. Because here are a variety of gadgets specifically designed to make working in the kitchen a more blissful experience; a place where you can cook without an apron in a white shirt and never get dirty; where your hair will always be shiny and your mood so serene that Buddhist monks will ask you for wisdom. I trust Instagram. Perhaps, now that Mother’s Day is approaching, you’ve considered taking a look here as well for gifts. Because as we all know, what counts is thoughtlessness.

A chef friend of mine has an unshakable rule that no appliance in his kitchen can have a single use. Your rice cooker is also a slow cooker. The toast maker can be used to roast vegetables. The pan can be used to hit intruders on the head, and so on.

While I understand the instinct to tidy up, this is missing out on some of the life-enhancing fabulousness. For example, until I saw it for myself on Instagram, I didn’t know there was a molded yellow plastic sleeve called the Chef’n Cob Corn Stripper designed solely for removing kernels from ears of corn. Oh what sweet joy of shelling corn we could have together!

Inevitably, I began to scroll. He was thrilled to come across the wonder of Non-Stick Silicone Kitchen Spatula Tongs. They have a little fluorescent green flexible silicone hammock between the ends of the tongs so you can, I don’t know, rock your veggies to sleep as you lift them out of the pan.

Not interested? How about the metal dip tube that is the pineapple corer? To comply with my friend’s ban on single-use items, I’m sure I could perform a non-elective full frontal lobotomy on a family member upset with him, so that’s it.

Not for you? Then you’ll surely want the Chef’n Stalkchop Cauliflower Prep Tool to remove the stems from cauliflowers. And only cauliflowers. Because using a knife would be so before social networks. Or a pizza cutter in which the round blade is the wheel of a mini bike. Or a garlic crush shaped like a giant feather duster, which you swing back and forth on your teeth, keeping a beatific smile on your stupid face.

Flicker. Suddenly I’m back in my own kitchen that doesn’t have a cauliflower corer or bicycle-shaped pizza cutter. I realize that as I’ve gotten older, my real-world kitchen kit desires have gotten a lot simpler. I want a pepper mill that works every time, and not just one that works for the first three months. I want a coffee pot that doesn’t always drip when you pour it. I want a glass measuring jug that the scale hasn’t rubbed off over time, so you end up squinting at the side measurements like Mr. Magoo. That’s all. Nothing else.

Then, addicted that I am, I look at my phone and see an Instagram ad for a bright orange, oval-shaped piece of plastic with holes of different sizes. It’s only £10. It’s for removing the leaves from fresh herbs.

I realize that what I really want is, yes, the functional pepper mill, drip-free coffee pot, and age-resistant measuring jug. But also, the herb stripper. That is what will make my life in the kitchen complete.

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